Somewhere over the rainbow...

Today is a hard day.

Not that anything bad has happened.. it's just that.. nothing has happened at all. I've been here a week now and I wish desperately that I was settling in, and adjusting, and not wasting my time dreaming about being somewhere else. But over a year has passed, and sometimes I feel as though I am not any closer to adjusting then the first day I came.

I still check Deison's visa status application regularly, always hoping for some sign of progression. It has looked the same every day since April. And they've increased the processing time now to 14 months. I don't know why I even bother looking. I've also tried communicating about 4 times since April that we have moved to a new address, and they have yet to do anything about it. As far as I can tell, they're still on strike. Or just lazy and not doing anything. Either way, it's annoying.

Yesterday I made beans and rice for lunch, ate like 3 bites, and literally wanted to throw up. Bleh. Today I didn't even bother I just sat at the table and stared straight ahead and cried. Pure frustration. I'm not hungry for anything here. I mean, it's not like I'm a picky eater... I would love something simple like a wrap with hummus (wraps, hummus, chedder cheese do not exist here), or frozen veggies (also no), or even a freaking bowl of canned soup. I don't get it, why is it so hard to sell canned soup? Why is it so hard to sell anything worth eating here?!?!? Ok.. that was an exaggeration. Kind of. I'm just frustrated. I know there are people, even in my own neighborhood that would give anything for a steaming plate of beans and rice, but as selfish as this makes me.. it still doesn't make me want to eat it. 

It's not just the food.. I mean, I'm supposed to be having a baby in less than 3 months and I don't even have a doctor. And just the thought of all the headaches of trying to schedule an appointment, and never knowing if this "really important bloodwork/exam" is actually important or just a scam to get me to pay money for something I don't need (this has already happened) makes me want to boycott the entire hospital situation and just do it myself. The fact that I can NOT just do it myself, and need to rely 100% on a healthcare system and medical professionals that I do not trust is also frustrating/anxiety inducing. 

My worst fear is that I'm going to go back to Canada and not have any fond memories to look back on during my time here. That all I'm going to remember is being sad and frustrated and wishing I was somewhere else. But unfortunately that is exactly how I feel. 

Did this post depress you? Probably. hahaha. There are happy moments too.. I promise. I just didn't feel like writing about them. Like when I'm feeling bummed out, and baby lima starts punching my organs I imagine it as him saying, hey mom it's ok.. I'm here too! :)