lost in transition

Hmm. Well, it figures. There's only an hour left until my departure time and I literally just finished packing. I had this great theory that I would start packing early.. and I did.. but.. I'm just easily distracted. Once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator...

It's 2:55 am and my room looks... naked. And yet I'm SHOCKED at how much stuff is still here! I feel like I've thrown out garbage bags of crap and yet.. it's secretly multiplying in my absence. Apparently it turns out I'm also a hoarder.

It's hard to believe that in 1 hour I am leaving. And going. I'm leaving my life here, but I'm GOING to get married! I'm currently having what most people called "mixed emotions" though I believe that's just another signal of transition in the making, and actually quite a significant marker for how to deal.

Like I've said, it's easy to get lost in transition. To somehow lose your way in the sifting of these emotions and not quite ever come out on the right side again. Some people never find their way back. But there are tools to navigate your way through these waves of transition and land up on the other side ok.

Transition is always a 2 part process. People think that getting married is all about excitement and joy and hope for the future. While that is true, everything in nature has an opposite. The first part of transition is the reflection and acceptance of emotions towards what you are leaving behind. Basically, be sad or angry or relieved or whatever it is you need to be and then move on. Part 2 is the preparation and hope for the next chapter. Feel what you need to feel in this as well - be excited, overjoyed, hopeful..

But these two processes are separate and complete and one must not taint the other. In other words, I shouldn't let my sadness and mourning of what I'm leaving behind, taint my excitement for the wedding. But also, neither should my excitement for the future, taint my sadness and mourning of what I leave behind.

Pain in it's purest form is not our enemy. It is a raw beauty that reminds us we are human - that without allowing ourselves to feel pain, we also cannot feel love. It is the foundation we must stand on as we move forward towards the future.

I love Deison with all my heart and I'm so excited to get married - but I also know that I will never again be a care-free, single gypsy - my singlehood is now forever gone. This is something to mourn - I have simply loved being single. And I need to feel the fear, sadness, and mourning of closing this chapter of my life. Once it's closed, it's closed for good and then I will forward.

I'm also sad to leave my place of safety. I have lived in the same room for almost 20 years - it has become my sanctuary. I have grown to feel at peace, at home.. simple joy in being. Not only my room, but my entire way of life and my culture is changing.. in a sense I will leave this to merge with another, to create something entirely new. This to me, is also something that despite the beauty of it, has a deep element of sadness.

Does it sound like I'm depressed? Cuz I'm not.. I just felt like someone needed to get it out there that growing up is hard. But the key is to feel everything you need to feel, close the chapter, and look out with hope towards the next.

In 48 hours I get to be with Deison. Forever. I remember when I left him in April, it was the 3rd time I had to say goodbye to him at the airport, twice without knowing when I'd ever see him again. But the last time I flew away I knew I would never have to do it again.

I made it.

A year later, and I finally get to put on a pretty white dress and spend happily ever after with the loveliest creature I've ever known.

Life is full of surprises... :)