the life of a troll

I'm a difficult person to get a hold of.

What? You ask. Don't you just sit at home all day inside your house melting into the couch? 

Well yes. But if you tried to say, call me.. or ring the door bell... I'm never "available." I almost never answer the door, or the phone. 

Why? Because a) it's never for me b) if it's really important, they'll call Deison or leave a note c) it's usually something annoying like one of the following scenarios that happen regularly. 

For example, this morning. I was busy in the kitchen, when the doorbell rings. Most people in Brazil have an intercom system, us included, as a sort of safety method so you know who is at the door before you open it.. so I guess I'm lucky that way. 

BUZZ BUZZ 

Me: "Hello?" 
Door: "It's Philip."

Silence. I thought perhaps there'd be an elaboration with this but.. no.

Me: "Ok... who is "Philip?"
Door: "I'm at your door."

Yes.. thanks. I'm aware of that. That wasn't my question. 

Me: "Right... so, can I help you?" 
Door: Silence. More silence. Then, "Blah blah blah selling some products blah blah blah blah."
Me: "I don't want any. Thanks." 
Door: "Ok bye." 

Thanks "Philip."

This also happened once..

BUZZ BUZZ 

Me: "Can I help you?"
Door: "I'm here to cut your trees."
Me: "What?"
Door: Incoherent mumbling. "... your husband said I could cut the trees.." incoherent mumbling.
Me: "Ok well he's going to be home in like 15 minutes, can you wait?"
Door: "Ok." 

5 minutes later. BUZZ BUZZ

Me: "yes?"
Door: "Can you get me some water?"

Wow. 

Then a few minutes later I hear a chainsaw and lots of noise. And when I look outside later I see our trees look like someone was blindfolded and playing pin the chainsaw on the tree branch. 

Deison wasn't impressed. I think it was after this moment I decided never to answer the door again.

Or, here's another scenario. We live in a rental house so people often assume they know who is living here. This happens on the phone a lot too.

BUZZ BUZZ

Me: "Hello?"
Door: "Hey, is Maria there?"
Me: "Uh no, she doesn't live here."
Door: "What? When is she going to be home?"
Me: "No like.. she doesn't LIVE here. I don't know who that is."
Door: "Oh. Well do you know where she lives now or how I can get a hold of her?"
Me: "NO, I do not."
Door: "You don't have any idea?"
Me: "Hey go ask the neighbors... I think they know."

They probably don't. But I don't care. Just go away!

I'm such a troll, I know.