A birth story.

I realized how much I love to write..and how much I miss it, now that every second of my life is dictated by someone else. Getting to spend 1/2 an hour on my own to sit and write feels like such a luxury. Getting to spend 1/2 an hour to do pretty much anything feels like a luxury.. to spend half an hour without puke or pee stained clothes feels like a luxury..

My little Brazadian is now 2 months old. It feels like the last 2 months of my life are a whirlwind of poopy diapers and feedings. I know somewhere in there I must have slept, but it feels like I haven't in about 23 years. 

My fingers are flying across the keys because I know in about 13 seconds someone is going to be crying because he's hungry, and then he'll need to burp, and then I'm sure he'll poop his pants... and then while I'm changing his poopy diaper he'll probably start to pee all over me (I can't even count how many times this has happened..) and then just when I change his peed-on sleeper he'll throw up on it.. and the cycle continues. 

You know those movies where they show a mother giving birth, and afterwards they hand her her newborn child, and he's all cozy and wrapped up, and they lock eyes, and the mother gets all misty eyed and says she's never been so in love and it's the happiest day of her life?

That... is such crap. So not childbirth in real life. 

At least it wasn't for me. And I think it's unfair that movies portray an unrealistic picture of those first few moments of life, but then again Hollywood portrays an unrealistic picture of just about everything in life. And maybe some women really did have one of those picture perfect births and they really did instantly fall in love. 

But here's what it was like for me the moment Luca was born. 

After 26 hours of labour and a baby finally starts screaming all I could think was...

Oh my gosh... it's over. It's finally over! I'M DONE. *as my eyes glaze over and I stare mesmerized at the beige ceiling tiles. Holy crap that was the worst thing in the world. I'M NEVER HAVING ANOTHER CHILD. EVER.

Deison: You did it! He's here!

Me: We.. are never having another child. (yes, that really was the first thing I said). *Eyes glaze over at the ceiling tiles again. I'm done! It's all over forever! 

And then they went to put him on my chest and cut the cord except.. the cord was too short so they couldn't. Hahah.

And then that long awaited moment they put your precious child on your chest so you can look at him for the first time, annnd the first thing Luca did was... poop all over me and the medical equipment. Nice one buddy. I don't know if you've ever seen newborn poop... let's just say it's impressive how much such a tiny digestive system can contain. Why don't they ever show THAT in the movies?!

And then..
Woah.. this tiny human is mine! He was INSIDE of me... woah.. And then.. I'm done! It's all over! It's FINALLY OVER. *eyes glaze over again.* 

And then they did a bunch of tests and cleaned him off, and all I remember is staring at the ceiling so happy that it was OVER. FOREVER. And then they gave him to me all cleaned up and screaming and just like that we became a family of 3.

I love this picture because it's so raw and real. It was about 2 hours after Luca was born, and I look like a zombie, Deison has bloodshot eyes from being awake for 3 days, and Luca is screaming his head off. Hahah

Don't get me wrong, I loved Luca from the moment I knew he was inside of me. But it's not the kind of love you have for your best friend or your boyfriend or someone you've known a long time. You love those people because you know them; every little quirk, all the wondrous qualities about them that make them them. I didn't know Luca when I first saw him. I still don't know him, but I'm getting to. 

It's a different kind of love. 

A love that slowly starts to trickle into your bloodstream because you know they are yours. He belongs to you; he is an extension of you. It's a soft and gentle kind love.. that isn't pressured to be something it's not, or with fear of dissolving over time or circumstances. 

I love him because he is mine. 

But he is still a stranger in my world, and I am still discovering who he is; who we are. Good for you if you had a Hollywood moment birth story. But if you didn't, and you are still getting to know the little creature who beat up your insides for 9 months, that's okay too. This is where your journey begins.