late night scriptings

Well, Merry Christmas!

But this is not a Christmas post, sorry.

It is a lucid scripting of my inner thoughts at the moment. I get this way late at night sometimes. Words become my escape. I live in letters. I can write myself to the future, or the past or simply embelish the present. It is a wonderful gift.

Moving on.

You, dear reader, perhaps do not know me very well. You've perhaps only seen me a few times in passing, perhaps only heard my name and not even know my age or favorite color. You might even have an assumption about who I might be. You're probably wrong.

And I'm not sure why I find it enjoyable to write into an empty void where I know strangers like you might stumble across my scriptings, but it brings about a strange sort of solace to be candid with the uknowns.

You also then, probably do not know that I have always had a deep fear of committment. To anything - a job, weekend plans, favorite foods, whatever - do not make me commit to a single idea. And especially relationships, even friendships. There was a period in my life where I was convinced I was a philophobic, and I did research and wrote theories on it about why I have this disorder. If you are not aware, philophobia is the intense fear of love or falling in it. Like falling into dark hole. I was convinced I would be a gypsy and wander the earth forever, belonging to no one and nothing, not even the wind. We could go into all the reasons how I arrived at this point in my life, but I'll spare you the philosophies I've concocted and tell you that I simply arrived. I looked at love like someone looks at fire. Or leprosy. In it's own way, it's oddly fascinating but you'd never actually want to touch it or even get too close.. cuz in the end let's be real, it's just freaky.

I spent a good 4 years with this perspective in my head and detached myself from anyone or anything that would try to cage me. I was convinced I was Holly Golightly reincarnated and you just can't love a wild thing. So melodramatic. I know.

And now here I am. I've learned a lot along the way, and I'm still a somewhat skeptical and closed off person.. but I AM learning. I am still in the process of discovering, through many various people, what love is and what it is not. And this is my theory so far.

I think love, any kind of love, is the ability to see people not for what they once were, or who they should become but for who they are at any given moment. And then sanctioning them the space to cultivate character and capabilities within themselves. The freedom to allow people to grow, to change, to err. to simply be. A rarity, but a treasure if ever found. I think in order to give something, we must first possess it. If we want to give serenity, confidence, beauty or love, we must embody that within ourselves.

Sometimes we as humans say "I'm sorry but I just cannot love that person." I've said it. More than once. Why? Because they are impossible? Pretentious? Obscene? Isn't that why we would should love them? And hopefully that love is the catalyst or the cacoon in which they have the liberty to transform and grow? That is a difficult and sacrificial love to give, often without reciprocation. But love is not for our benefit. It should be given as a gift to others, regardless of the cost. But yet, how often do we allow it to extinguish, stifle, or annihilate the potential of others by withholding it?

Love doesn't instantly change who we are or the people we are with, but it opens the door and paves the way to become.