philosophical remedies

Each of us deals with life’s qualms and hardships in a different way. My particular remedy for understanding and making peace with life is to create some kind of philosophy or theory to follow; kind of like a north star to take me from my current situation and transport me into a different perspective where I can find understanding. A long-standing philosophy of mine was to understand and transcend to the core of my inner Self – if I truly understood who I was, I could come to terms with life a lot better. So I went on a journey of discovery; every disposition of my inner being I wanted to face and draw a conclusion from. I chose a path of singlehood, shaved my head, journeyed to the farthest corners of earth and Self to discover. This was and is one of the greatest gifts I have ever given myself – the freedom of discovery, to just be alone and to become.

But on my journey, I came to a point of question:

Perhaps there is no 'core' of who we are. Perhaps all we can ever be is a mosaic of pieces siphoned from experience, relationship and life itself. I would like to know - who would I be if I had lived in a grey cement cell my entire life? Never having seen the outside world, never having contact with humans that evoke within us ideas, desires, emotions, purpose. Or what if I had lived in this world, but in a secluded forest somewhere? Aware of the world, but without any human correlation, love, or the tedious undertakings people busy themselves with in hopes to somehow dismiss their inconsequential value or purpose to the universe? Without outside influence, without the merging of interests and personalities from lovers and friends, without the seeds of ideas planted from wiser scholars and authors... would I write as I do now? Would I pursue other things? Would I understand more? Be more enlightened or intelligent?

I asked myself, how much of who we are and become is the result of direct influence of experience, relationships and infiltration of others' essence?

But I came to the resolution that I finally knew who I was. I was a strong and courageous person; a free-spirited gypsy who would wander the earth for all eternity and become lost in the culture and exotic enchantment of another world. That was where I came alive, and therefore that is who I must be.

However... a year in Brazil proved to show me yet another side of myself I was not aware could even exist. I am deeply connected to my inner being, but I found myself being disappointed and afraid at the person I had “become.” I asked myself, “when did I become such a weak and pathetic person? This is not me.” And it’s true, it was not. But neither is the brave and fearless gypsy truly who I am either. It was a season of life that drew out those characteristics IN me, but it is not who I am concretely.

I came to the philosophical conclusion that we as humans do not have a core; a fixed internal “being.” We change, grow, and transform with the tides of life. We are continuously being shaped by our experiences, both good and bad. Each season of life brings out new and different aspects of ourselves that we may not have known existed and perhaps did NOT exist until that moment in time when life changed us.

I do believe that there are certain personality traits that remain throughout overtime and are ingrained naturally within us that seem to endure, but they are merely a part of the entity of ever changing Self. As a result, I am no longer afraid of the tides of life that bring about weakness or doubt or fear. They are simpley that; tides. And every tide that comes, must also retreat back to the sea where it first emerged.