reality?

Ohhh... I'm ashamed. It's been longer than 24 hours hasn't it... well, to be fair, I've been sulking alot lately and anything I posted would have probably been gloomy and sad. Not that this post will turn out any different... but I'll try.

I just kind of feel like I'm stuck in a strange sort of deceptive purgatory of life. Where it APPEARS as though my life has come to a stand still. I get up every morning at the same time, go to work, come home, put on my sweats and sit around the house until it's time to sleep. (Ok, I socialize occassionally..)

But the other reality is that my life is actually charging full steam ahead to the biggest event of my life. I just have no physical evidence of that in my day to day life. My fiance lives a million miles away so I never actually see or talk to him in real life, the physical location of the wedding is also a million miles away so it's not like I can just go and look at it to plan anything. I can't even put a guest list together or work on invitations as I don't know 95% of the people coming. Ha!

It's such a weird state of being... and I find it difficult to place myself in "reality" as both worlds ARE my current reality. It's like another dimension actually.

I wouldn't recommend long distance/international marriages to anyone. I wouldn't take back my choice.. but.. yeah. I won't even begin about the paperwork needed for us to actually just legally GET married.

But how about something a little more... cheery.

Incase I haven't told you personally, (which.. I probably haven't..) I have my wedding dress! I actually bought it like almost 2 months ago, but it's surprising how many of my friends ask me about it and I'm like "oh yeah.. I didn't tell you?"

I realized what a private person I am. Infact, there are still people finding out that I'm getting married haha. I'm just cautious, perhaps. Nothin wrong with that...

I also realized how little I really care about the wedding details. Ok, not that I don't CARE... I just... can't be bothered. Like decorations, and party favors, and making sure the hue of napkins matches the overall color scheme... ew.

Sometimes I DO get creative about things, or I see a magazine or TV show with neat ideas and I get inspired and I'm all like wow that's so great! I could do that.. but before I've even written it down, my brain is like "yeah but that's so much work... and no one will even remember.. meh..." and the movitation disappears as suddenly as it came. I usually just like to revel in the fact that I'm actually getting married and that's it. :)

But to be fair, I can only hold so much in my brain at one time. I'm currently trying to figure out all the paperwork needed just for us to actually get married, and then where we're going to live, what I'm going to do, how we're going to get Deison to Canada etc. etc.

I don't exactly have room in my brain for color schemes and napkin hues.

I do however, want to make an attempt yet at being somewhat creative and purposeful with the wedding details... I suppose it just doesn't come naturally, which is okay. Though there are certain things that will just never be "me" and I won't be bothered with.

Ok. That's all. For now.