secrets of the soul

Here's an honest to goodness blog. Just candid scriptings for the cyber world to see.

I am not well.

If you know me, this is not new information. Or it might be, as I tend to not actually let anyone past my happy face :D <--- like this.

I had a bit of a... rough patch you could say, in the past year and with extra help, I thought I was moving forward. And in most ways, I am. But the psyche inner world of each of us, is a strange and unnavigated jungle. Does ANY of us truly understand our inner self? The entity that is Self? Why we are the way we are, or process and analyze the way we do?

It's kind of frightening to know that, no matter how well you think you know yourself... there is still a chasm of mystery lurking beneath the surface. I feel like this chasm of mystery is spewing things from the depths of my soul that I do not recognize and yet need to somehow deal with.

This is what I tried telling my therapist. I went in there with all the answers and laid out all of my philosophies and theories to convince her that I'm totally normal. And actually quite intelligent. 

What I ACTUALLY wanted, was for her to call my bluff, to challenge me, to see through my facade. No one else seems to, but I thought as a professional, it was her job. And she didn't. She saw exactly what I told her to see. I know it's a rather twisted game to play with someone who tries to navigate people's minds for a living, but it's just who I am. It was disappointing for me.

That... feels good to admit.

To say that the stress of trying to get married and figure out my life in general is mounting, and probably a catalyst to my unseen unstability is an understatement. I feel like I am unaware of the damage being caused, and only being shown the repercussions. The by-product of the turmoil raging in my subconcious mental state.

Like how I was exhausted by the end of last week and wanted nothing more than just to escape and spend the day alone in the city. Which I did - but by 5pm I was so tired, I drove home and then slept for 11 hours straight.

Who knew being in my company was so tiring? I hope my friends don't feel this way....

Or that sometimes when I'm in church, and I'm sitting around all those people, and they're talking to me and smiling, I get so worked up that I have to resist the urge not to turn around and run home. Sometimes I fail and simply do not go, or I leave early and go to my car to avoid running into anyone who might want to talk to me.

This kind of behaviour is normal to me. I know that it's not socially exceptable, but in my world... it is my tool for survival.

I really don't like the stigma of mental health in our society. Nobody looks down on someone who broke their leg and needs a cast. Why then do we shame people for needing help with a broken mind? It's ridiculous. Infact, the more people I have been real with, the more people I realize are dealing with the same things. Why do we hide it?

I'm not crazy, by the way. Well.. I guess that's debateable. What I mean is.. I'm capable of surviving. And I am convinced that I, not a therapist or anyone else, holds the key to unlock the mysteries of my soul. [I could be proven wrong about that last statement. But I like the way it sounds. And it's a good concluding sentence.]