They all come with their own difficulties and frustrations and not one of them comes with a manual on how to solve these sometimes bewildering problems. It's part of the process; jump in and good luck! I, however.. seem to have chosen every possible difficulty available and mixed it altogether to create the most exhasperating equation possible. Sounds like something I would do eh...We are from completely different cultures, speak a different native tongue, and are doing undeteremined long-distance. It's a recipe for failure.
(ah.. Breakfast at Tiffany's.. :)
Or is it?
It doesn't have to be...
I for one, was never interested in a long distance relationship. Heck, I wasn't interested in a relationship period. But here we are, on the other side of the tracks...
If you research it, it's written that LDR (long-distance relationships) have a very high failure rate and usually are not worth it in the long run for many reasons. However, it IS possible. So for those thinking about meeting your love across the seas... this is what I have to say to make an LDR successful.
1) Communicate. If the decision is not spontaneous and unexpected, spend time discussing this next step and be extremely clear about your expectations and priorities. How often will you talk on the phone? How will you handle difficulties or arguments that come up? When will you plan to meet again?
My advice is to set a time every week that works for both of you, as with time difference and completely different schedules... the hours fill up quick.
2) Your feelings are not to be trusted. Don't assume that because you miss your partner to almost the point of death one day, and hardly notice their absence the next it means that you're falling out of love. As you settle into a routine (work, school etc) you start to get used to life without them. THAT'S OKAY.
This is why I write a lot; so I can go back to the facts later on when everything gets kind of fuzzy. If you're not a writer, take pictures or do something that reminds you of why you love this person.
3) It's okay to keep busy. As noted above, there will be days you hardly notice your partner's absence - it doesn't mean you're moving on. It means you're moving forward with life in a healthy way, as it is at the moment; being creative and enjoying hobbies, knowing that you cannot be with them for the time being.
It might even be helpful to find a NEW hobby, something that isn't connected in any way to your partner. This will keep you busy, expand your horizons and also give you something interesting to talk about when you chat via phone/skype and want to keep the conversation chill.
4) This one is tricky but... try not to fight over the phone/Skype. Or at least fight fair [that one's for me..] It's kind of inevitable, but even if you 'work things out' at the end... you don't actually get to look into the person's face and tell them you're sorry, or give them a hug, or anything to have that final resolution that generally comes after a fight.
It's probably a mental thing, but even though you move on, it's second nature to need some kind of closure... so it kinda feels like every single argument is left unresolved to some extent. Not a nice feeling.
5) Try to leave any life-altering conversations and decisions until your next face-to-face encounter. If you don't know when that will be, well.. then Skype is unfortunately your mediator. But life altering-decisions usually come with different opinions, differing opinions lead to argument.
I'm not against arguing, but I am against working out your problems via a webcam and fuzzy skype screens. Really poopy.
6) Be honest. Be brutally honest. Doubt and mistrust wreak havoc on any relationship and double-time on a LDR. When you're feeling unsure or upset about something, bring it up. If you let it just brew and seep through your veins, it opens the door to uncertainty and fear and irrational reasons why you should jump ship immediately.
That being said, YOU also have to let go of any distrust in your partner about where they are or what they're doing. If you can't do that, you should re-assess why you can't trust them in the first place - if you can't think of a good reason, get over it. It will make your life and theirs a lot simpler and stress-free.
But if it's because your partner has given you good reasons to mistrust, well.. maybe it really is time to jump ship and put your energy into something [or someone] worth your time.
Basically... long-distance relationships suck. Fact.
But, they are possible.
They also show you an inner strength if you allow it.
The key is to NOT mope around and pine for your beloved, but to get off your butt, and move forward with your life.
You shouldn't stop becoming a better person when you are together, so why would you stop now when you're apart?
It's okay to be sad or frustrated once in awhile, but think of it as a special season of life where you're given another shot to dedicate more of your time to yourself; to discover who you are and focus on some of your personal passions and hobbies. Life doesn't stand still.. and neither should you :)
I think my next post will be something about the sometimes funny, sometimes frustrating, sometimes shocking culture differences of inter-cultural relationshiping. Stay tuned...
0 comments:
Post a Comment